Over the last few days, Hubby has bounced back and forth between "we can try to work on things" to "we're totally over" a few times, before calling me on the phone to tell me he wasn't coming home. Ever. I got upset, which turned into anger, which lead me down a path that I'm not proud of... I threw a bunch of his clothes outside and when he showed up here... well, I basically attacked him. I pushed him and hit him in the face. I didn't hurt him, but there are no words to describe how angry and hurt I was that he ended things with me over the phone.
We talked for ages and he said we'd work on things, give it one more try. Two days later, he sent me an email saying he wanted a divorce. The "trial" in our "trial separation" had lasted less than a week and he was already done.
He said he wanted to talk to me about it face to face but because of how angry I got, he wasn't able to. So he sent me an email. An email. 8 years together and he told me he wanted to file for divorce in an email. I begged him to come and see me, to talk to me and he said he wouldn't unless there was a "witness" there. He said that if things had gone badly, I could have hurt myself and charged him with assault or something. Wow. The thought that I would do something like that, cry abuse when there was none, just because I was angry or upset... I was so offended and hurt, I was physically sick over it.
So he came home the next day with a friend. Someone I've known since high school, since long before I ever met Hubby, and he followed me around my own apartment while Hubby packed his things. There's being hurt and then there's being humiliated. I was humiliated.
We met up later, in a public place at his insistence, and talked for ages. He came around some, admitted that he had handled things really poorly and was "make things right" about this 'needing someone as a witness' bullshit. The conversation went okay, but he is not budging on giving us another chance. He's done.
He came back in the evening and hung out and, for the most part, it felt normal. He agreed to stay the night and slept next to me (nothing happened). He left the next morning and I thought everything was okay... well, as okay as it could be at this point.
Later, I tried to talk to him and he blanked me again. Said he thought he could have a day without me. I was having a really hard time and all I wanted to do was see him. I knew I should be stronger, that I shouldn't be so pathetic, but I couldn't help it. He rejected me completely.
So, I did a very stupid thing. I went over to the friend's house where he was (it was Halloween and everyone was at a party that I was SUPPOSED to be at, but he went so I didn't go). I tried to talk to him outside and he was such an asshole. I tried to hold onto him to get him to talk to him and he told me I was assaulting him. I was barely touching him, I'd hugged him and had my hand on his waist. Then he literally RAN away from me. Like, took off running down the street.
So I'm sure I've made things a lot worse now. He definitely won't want to see me now. I sent him an email and told me how hurt I was by the way he was acting, but that I was going to try and just not contact him at all for a while.
I was sick all night, couldn't get any sleep and have a huge "cry rash" on my cheeks. I called in sick to work, but I need to get back to my normal life....
I just feel like that's impossible.
No comments:
Post a Comment