Day 1

2737 Days. That's roughly how long we've been together. And today, he moved out.
Yesterday was my 28th birthday, which says something about his timing. It also says that I haven't been single since I was 20 years old.

34 days. That's how long it's been since our 1st wedding anniversary. That's how long it's been since we stood up in front of 100 of our friends and family and promised to love each other forever. For him, it turns out that "forever" was only a matter of days... 400 days, give or take.

15 hours. That's how long it's been since he left, carrying a suitcase and a bag of toiletries. It's been 15 hours that I've been wanting to call him and ask him to come home, to ask him what he's doing... to tell him he's making a big mistake.

When he was leaving, I left our condo and went to my sister's house. My friend met me there and we eventually came back to the condo that we both own, but that now only I live in. Then another friend arrived and stayed until an hour or so ago. Even then, they wanted me to come to their houses for the night or offered to stay here with me so that I wouldn't have to be alone. But now I'm here, alone, for the first time since he left.

It wasn't my idea, this break up. Even if I wasn't perfectly content with our relationship, I wasn't ready to give up and we went from "working on it" to "taking some time apart" so fast that no work actually got done. Now he keeps saying that we've been "trying for so long", but I can't think of a single thing he did to try to improve the situation. At least that's one thing I've got... I tried. I tried harder than I think most people would. At least I went down fighting.

I never thought we'd be a statistic, one of the 50% (or is it 60% now?) that don't make it. We've only been married for a year, but we've lived together for nearly seven. You'd think... or at least, I thought... that if it wasn't going to work, it would have fallen apart by now. Because I haven't changed, not in the last 4-5 years anyway. If anything, the "issues" that were bringing us down have gotten better, so why now?

I found out yesterday, on my birthday, that one of my closest friends is 2 months pregnant. When I told my husband that our friends are expecting, he said, "But they aren't married". As happy as I am for her and her boyfriend, who are very much committed and in love, all I could think was "That should be me". One of the reasons we got married after 6 years together was because we both wanted kids and we both wanted to be married first. Now we're married, and he told me today that he would "never get to the point where he was comfortable having kids with me" because of how unhappy he is in the relationship. Ow.

I'm terrified of being alone. I'm so angry that I am supposed to be in a certain phase of my life and now I am suddenly nowhere near there. I'm sad. I'm really, really sad.

We are going to see a counselor on Monday. I booked the appointment a week ago, when things were rocky but we were still together. Until then, I don't know what the rules are. I don't think I should call, but I want to. I don't think I'll hear from him, but I miss him. I want him to come home. But he won't.